WiR: Let’s Beat Some Celebrities


28 weeks and counting: When I want to feel attractive, I hang around with these guys. When I want to feel strong, I go to the park and push around toddlers. When I want to feel accomplished, I find a way to be better than people I see in movies, which is why it’s 12:25 a.m. on a Monday night and I’m researching celebrity marathon times.

Let’s look at this list together, shall we?

Sean Astin, Los Angeles Marathon 2010 (5:16:12): Rudy clocking in at over 5 hours? Come’on man, what Charles S. Dutton think? That’s why you only got in for one play, you have zero endurance.

Will Ferrell, Boston Marathon 2003 (3:56:12): That’s a lie. I’ve seen his pasty-white stomach.

Katie Holmes, New York City Marathon 2007 (5:29:58): New insult amongst distance runners: “You run as fast as Katie Holmes.”

Shia LaBeouf, Los Angeles Marathon 2010 (4:35:31): Bet you’re thinking I’m gonna make fun of Shia? Nope, love the guy. His time ain’t too good, but let’s be honest, if I hung around with robots that turn into cars, why would I need to run anywhere?

Mario López, Saved by the Bell, Boston Marathon 2002 (5:41:41): Seriously A.C.? I really hope that’s a typo. Remember when the gang got drunk and crashed Dr. Turtle’s car and Slater hurt his shoulder and couldn’t play in the big football game? Good episode? Good episode.

Ryan Reynolds, New York City Marathon 2008 (3:50:22): Which brings us to my arch-rival: Ryan Reynolds. Six-pack abs, chiseled chest, ruggedly handsome face, eyes you could get lost in… wait, where was I going with this?

Peter Weller, New York City Marathon 1988 (3:51:26): For those that don’t know, Peter Weller was RoboCop. “Part man. Part machine. All cop. The future of law enforcement.” Awesome.

Sean Combs, New York City Marathon 2002 (4:14:54): I may not beat P. Diddy, but I sure as hell can beat The Notorious B.I.G. What, too soon?

Oprah Winfrey, Marine Corps Marathon 1994 (4:29:20): The gold standard. The time everybody wants to beat. Hey, did you hear she allegedly used to be a prostitute? Yup, I went there Oprah. Bring it.

Okay, here’s the stats for last week:

April 11th to April 17th:

Sunday: Off
Monday: Off
Tuesday: 6.05 miles, 9’44” per mile
Wednesday: 6.2 miles, 9’43 per mile
Thursday: 3.1 miles, 9’05” per mile
Friday: 6.2 miles, 10’05” per mile
Saturday: Off
Totals: 21.58 miles, 3:30:06, 9’44” per mile

It should be noted that Friday’s run was in the middle of the afternoon and it was very hot. I almost died. Doesn’t that make you feel sorry for me?

As promised, here is my gameplan – as dictated by my Nike+ “coach” for this week.

Tuesday: 3 miles
Wednesday: 2 miles
Thursday: 4 miles

That’s Week #1 of my official marathon training. I’m probably gonna run more than that because I still have some weight to take off from my four months of inactivity this past winter. You can play along at home if you want, or not. What am I, your mother?

One Response to “WiR: Let’s Beat Some Celebrities”

  1. James Says:

    Oprah has a serious badonk. Look at that thing. Resembles the hind-quarters of an overfed Clydesdale. Nobody should be surprised. And why is she staring at the runner next to her? She’s probably wondering why the man in the yankees hat decided to wear a polo shirt during a marathon.

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