Me Against My Body

by

NipsBleed

Yup, I have bleeding nipples.

I’m gonna let that sink in… Take your time… Nice mental image… You done? Okay.

Apparently, this is a common problem with breastfeeding women and avid runners. I’m just going to let the obvious joke just sit out there and move on.

You see, runners – men in particular – that jog for long distances in loose-fitting clothing experience chaffing around sensitive areas. It mostly happens on the inner thigh and, you guessed it, on the nipples. My thighs are all right, but right now, my nipples are in pretty poor shape. The problem seemed to start when the weather turned and my nipples decided to double-gun salute every passing runner. My shirt rubs against the old diamond-cutters, causing some… discomfort. The solution seems to include placing bandages or even scotch tape over your nipples during a run. I’m still trying to hold onto a sliver of dignity, so I’ll just go ahead and tough it out.

I mean, bleeding nipples seem to be the least of my problems right now.

My body is pretty beat up, to say the least. Last week, my daily running output jumped from 3.8 miles to 6.2. The point of this whole thing is to be able to eventually run a marathon, so these kind of jumps in mileage are bound to happen, but nobody seemed to tell my body that.

My left ankle has pretty much hurt for four months. Not hurt enough to see a doctor, but enough to cause some pain and warrant whining on a blog. If I’m off my ankle for more than 15 minutes, the first 10-15 steps after I get up involve a lot of limping and “tough wincing” – you know, the kind of grimace that says, “I’m in a mild amount of pain but am so tough that I’m gonna rub some dirt on it and walk it off.” The ankle makes running uncomfortable for about .3 miles, then everything is fine.

My right knee, on the other hand, is looking to cause some problems. It’s nothing to serious yet, but it’s been trying to get my attention for the last few days. I’m trying to ignore it like I ignore elderly southern racists, but eventually, someone’s gonna yell the N-word.

My feet, my God my feet. I remember in a Superman comic I read, Clark Kent was going in for a physical and the doctors just couldn’t seem to get that needle in his arm. “Tough skin,” Clark would say, while glancing a knowing look to the reader. That’s pretty much the bottom of my feet. If I was Bruce Willis in “Die Hard”, Hans would have to think of another way to make me bleed, because my feet ain’t getting cut on no glass. The calluses have started to move to the bottom of my toes as well. The bottom of one of my toes – the one next to my big toe, what’s that called? The index toe? The pointer toe? Whatever, it’s not a toe anymore, it’s a hardened slab of flesh.

Brief tangent, if I may: A couple of summers ago, I actually developed a pretty awesome callus on my right index finger from scratching off Monopoly game pieces at McDonald’s. I never did win any fabulous prize. You know what I did win though? That’s right, adult onset diabetes.

I’m lying, that didn’t happen, it was just an elaborate excuse to tell a diabetes joke. But diabetes is no laughing matter. My old Pizza Hut boss had diabetes. He was all right. They had to amputate his left foot. Get it! He was all right because he lost his left foot! That’s a true story – and the first “Arrested Development” reference on this blog for those keeping track at home.

Anyways, back to the matter at hand. My body is banged up. 1). Bad Ankle; 2). Bad Knee 3); Bleeding Nipples; 4). Callused Feet.

The point of this post? I dunno, just felt like whining for a bit.

For those interested, here’s the vital stats for the past few days:

Tuesday: Run #93: 3.77 miles, 33:54

Wednesday: Run #94: 6.12 miles, 59:12

Thursday: Run #95: 6.21 miles, 57:18

3 Responses to “Me Against My Body”

  1. Courtney Says:

    Paul, you can try “Body Glide” for the chaffing. Put it anywhere you need it – it goes on like a stick of deodorant. Just do a Google search and it comes up on Amazon, REI, and Drugstore.com. They carry it at most sporting goods stores and all of the running stores I’ve been to in VA. πŸ™‚

  2. Well This Isn’t Fair « The Running Jerks Says:

    […] talked about my various injuries before. That’s all well and good. They were various aches and pains that β€” when compared to real […]

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